No Excuse Sunday

*To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sun., we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday."  *Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."  *There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard.  *Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Sat. night. *We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to chrch."  *Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans will be running for those who say it is too hot.  *Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.  *Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.  *We will distribute "Stamp Out Steardship" buttons for those who feel that church is always askig for money.  *One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.  *Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.  *The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.  *We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who say the preacher is too loud.



Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.



The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."



The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps,

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.



The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."



Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"



The Red Wagon 

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him"asked the pastor? The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it .

KIDS IN CHURCH.....

3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

After the christening of his baby brother in church:
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor had knocked several times. Finally, the pastor took out his card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. [Revelations 3:20: Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.]

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10". [Genesis 3:10: I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.]

Bulletin Bloopers

Here are some actual problem sentences found in church bulletins:

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Bear hunting

A man was out hunting, and came upon a bear. He shot at the bear, but only nicked him. The bear went after the hunter, and chased him some distance through the woods.

Finally the man came to the edged of a cliff, and had no where else to run. As he watched the bear approach, he began to pray. "Dear God give this bear a touch of religion."

Suddenly the bear came to an abrupt stop, and looked up toward Heaven and said "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to eat."

Philosophy Class

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

The student received an "A" in the class.